Learning to Fail

I’m learning a shaolin tai chi practice that includes qi gong exercises, Kung Fu, yoga and movement of energy throughout my body for greater flexibility and health. The operative word here is “learning.” I practiced another form of tai chi about 15 years ago, but now it seems as if I never learned a thing. Glimpses of my former teaching arise in my memory, now and then, but most of the time I am a novice. Learning as a novice requires a kind of humility that is both frustrating and rewarding. The humility obviously emerges when I keep making mistakes, forget what I was just told, forget the sequence of moves, or just feel silly. The reward of this humility comes from letting go of fear and “how I look to others.” Performance is a show for others, literally! When I let go of my need for perfect performance, I experience compassion. I remember that the journey of a learner is rocky but a teacher will appear, a guide along the way, who knows what to avoid and what to cherish. The teacher or sifu helps me to embrace constructive dependency. I no longer need to know everything, but I am confident that I know something. I am learning to integrate the moves into my being, slowly, allowing myself to trip a few times along the road. When I am present in the moment, my breath moves me flowing into the next movement of chi. But, when I am more interested in what others in the class may think of my slow progress, I am unkind to myself. Compassion for others in similar situations is impossible unless I face and appreciate my own challenges. When I learn to fail I free up a space in my heart to accept myself. I become more than what I can do, and rest in the comfort of being who I am.