One of my favorite ancient writers is Rumi. He has written, “Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” When I read this wise statement, I reflected on the power of appearances, and that sometimes how we appear belies the truth of who we are. Our society has set up certain standards that we choose to buy into. One standard is based on what others perceive as beautiful. We could blame the advertising industry or expectations we think are imposed on us, but we always have a choice about what we believe or agree to support.
One such agreement has to do with hair. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus, a strange and erratic disease that attacks the body with surprising randomness. My hair was one of the first casualties. Not vanity but professional image and expectations have been my excuse for wearing wigs. At first there was simple shame at what I considered an odd appearance. I decided that shame made me feel special in a way that I did not deserve. After all, many men and women have no hair. Loved ones and friends were generous in providing their unsolicited feedback about how I looked or when I was in grave error in my choice of styles. The hair was too long or I needed bangs or it was too short, or the color was just right or not OK. The psychological tyranny of accommodating the desires of others consumed far more time than necessary. Hafiz, another ancient mystic writes, “Love sometimes wants to do us a favor; hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.” I decided to love myself. Bam! I decided to have fun with wigs, changing often to make wearing them a kind of capricious game. Then, true to the tyranny of choices based on what others think is appropriate, I received feedback from friends and family members about my choice of hair styles. Now the web was beginning to tighten, as the game of winning approval became confusing and unwinnable. What I tried to make an infinite game of fun with choices of hairstyles, became a finite game of wins and losses.
I have confirmation of the belief that my authentic self has nothing to do with how I look, or what I say or do. My authentic self lies deep within the body I carry around from place to place. I am so much more than how I appear to others. If others are unable, unwilling or ill-prepared to see me as who I am, that has no affect on my core being. Rumi instructs us once again. ” I am not this hair. I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.” A soul needs no hair and neither do I.
nine principles for joy 
Rumi and you are right. What we are is not the appearance people see. There is only one haunting question that each being in physical form must answer. This answer is not from the conscious mind; it is from that which we all sometimes feel a fleeting knowing that we are. The question is, do you believe that you That. A head answer doesn’t cut it; it must be a realization or recognition that is so complete that simple words will not capture it. While I believe that such an awareness exist, I have not surrendered to it enough to say that I can point to it beyond my head knowledge.
AWESOME! Rumi and you are so right!! I’m smiling and have tears in my eyes! I try to be “me” and while I’m blessed with a nice head of hair, the hair is not me. I try to be transparent or authentic-(the popular word this year) and not because ‘authentic’ is the word, but because I love God so much, and knowing that He loves me, I’ve been trying to follow Jesus and keep our relationship active as well as being a blessing to those I come in contact with so I can spread His word.. I love the way you right…you always touch my heart. You are truly a blessing to me.
Your love of God is continually expressed in your love of others. You are an expression of Spirit. I am always warmed by your smile because it authentically emerges from deep within your loving spirit. I appreciate you!
Be ok with the thoughts that crowd and clutter the mind. Whether or not you can explain it, Spirit lives within us. These bodies are useful containers but only temporary ones. Within these transient vessels breathes the spirit. “The wave and the sea are one.” Thank you for the expression of that spirit. I see you as you are.
On “Appearance”
Wonderful example of the dissolution of the internalized opinions of others called “Me”.
After said dissolution there is only what always is, one’s “True,authentic, SELF”.
We wear so many “faces” of others until we no longer recognize who we really are.
The fun thing about the realization of God is that God is, regardless of our awareness. We must align with what is. The present moment is our playground, a space for realization. Our intellect is the mind dragging the past or imagining the future into our present moment. Let it be. Breathe and it will slink back to its rightful place…the island of illusion!
Eleanor, your words touch me deeply. I’ve been pondering my authenticity lately and how it contrasts with others’ expectations. As recent as 10 years ago, I always seemed to be living for someone else, and I was not happy. Once I started following my own spirit, my days became much happier and more rewarding. God bless your ability to communicate a perspective on what is no doubt a common although not commonly spoken human thread!
Living authentically is a risk worth taking. Thanks Tina for your understanding and compassion. We reveal our compassion when we can feel the meaning in words from the heart.
Eleanor, Awesome is all I can say. Our outer appearance does not define who we are. You are beautiful inside and out.
I really like this and can identify on a level that may seem a little more trivial (well when looking at status quo) . When I was 21, I started to notice hair loss (I am a male) . My mother was a friend with a pharmacist and for Christmas, I got a bottle of rogane (this was before it was over the counter and was *quite* expensive) . I applied this to my hair maybe one or two days and then threw the bottle away (and it was quite expensive and a great cost to my mother). The reason? Well, what if the next serious relationship resulted as a means of how I looked? Would I ever know if she would have liked me for what was within? Well, not if I was as so-called ‘good looking’ with a full head of hair.
Although men are not as heavily as subjected (read: exploited) in this marketing department, we do receive our fair share. At 49, I don’t have nearly the head of hair that I once had, but when I’m with someone, I know it’s because of something other than some exterior shell. Showing my age a bit, but “Right ON” for this posting. I really liked your outlook!
Thank you. We invest so much energy in the external. All things come and go, except spiritual energy. Although energy can be transformed, it cannot be destroyed. We are limitless energy in a body.