When we are trapped in the illusion of separateness — the belief that we are separate from all others in the universe, and that we exist as an individual, separate self –we are free to engage in judgments of others. If we embrace our existence as mirrors of one another, we are hard pressed to find faults in others that are not our own.  I recently confronted a friend about bouncing around from idea to idea and not following through with her numerous, brilliant ideas. Upon reflection, I realized that she is a mirror of my own dalliances. I recognized my self in her behaviors, therefore, my comments were projections. The curious thing about projections is that they are like sending my own unwanted behaviors to the trash bin, deleting an unwanted email, and then pretending that it no longer exists. The problem is that the trash bin never gets emptied. The trash just resurfaces as a new email from my unrestrained ego. Does any of this revelation resonate for you?

Years ago, during my training as a counselor and later as a coach, unconditional positive regard was highlighted as a way to interact with others in a meaningful way. Our own judgments were to be set aside in order not to impose our ideas onto the experiences and perspectives of others we were supposed to help. It was an ideal that was hard to realize given years of practice in having an opinion about anything and anyone. But, when we could walk the thin line of understanding what a person was thinking, expressing and feeling, without judgment, the results were almost magical. Giving up judgment is a challenge to the ego. It’s like placing a block on an email source. The ego produces an endless stream of junk.

Egos are afraid of not being perfect or better than others. Egos are fearful of not being loved or losing approval. But egos are not all bad — that would be an unwarranted judgment. We are aware that we exist as a body because of our ego; without it we could not begin to organize a reality, even though our reality is an illusion. Egos are a way to confirm that we are sentient beings, although we are more than what we think.

We cannot stop thinking thoughts, and why would we want to? But we can become aware that sometimes our thoughts lead to behaviors that are directed by the ego. Sometimes these thoughts are opinions based on old hurts, fears of the future, desires to be loved in competition with others. If we believe that love is a commodity, we believe that it is in limited supply. Therefore, if one person is loved, then another cannot be loved. Or, if one religion is right, then another is wrong. Perhaps, if one group of people are OK, then another group must be not OK. We then see the world as a series of contrasts like sun and shadow, then we scramble to be seen as living in the sun, while the “others” live in the shadows. This dichotomous thinking sets us up to judge.

The truly understanding heart knows that we are all loved at the core of our being. We are the sun and the moon, the light and the absence of it. We can no longer separate people into those who deserve our love and those who do not.

We are all spiritual beings. Separation is an illusion. When we judge others we are trying desperately to rid ourselves of what disappoints us about ourselves, but what we do for others we also do for ourselves. We can be aware of our self-judgments and commit to the judgment challenge: For at least one day, have no opinion about any other person. Then, finally that trash bin will begin to empty.

A quote from the brilliant Rainer Maria Rilke clings to the side of my refrigerator, reminding me that we are all living in process. Rilke writes, “I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.” I have unresolved questions. What is a good life? I know it has nothing to do with achievements. Certificates, degrees and awards are bread for the ego, but they don’t keep anyone warm at night. I am certain that it’s not the accumulation of possessions, because  those objects say more about you than they can say to you. And…there’s another question: What does it mean to be loved? Rilke says, …”don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.” I know that being loved is a desire I have. I also know that it’s not the same as being respected, or admired, or seen as competent or well-educated. Or, is it? I know that love is something shining and beautiful in me…and in others. Sharing it is another matter. If we show love in our deeds– our caring, interest, concern for others, it does warm us unlike feeding selfish desires. The questions can be both haunting and inspiring. Rilke answers my questions: ” …and the point is, to live everything, live the questions now…perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” I am therefore advised to live mindfully, to enjoy the ordinary questions in an extraordinary way, because “now” is my only opportunity to actually experience the heart of the questions.