When we are trapped in the illusion of separateness — the belief that we are separate from all others in the universe, and that we exist as an individual, separate self –we are free to engage in judgments of others. If we embrace our existence as mirrors of one another, we are hard pressed to find faults in others that are not our own. I recently confronted a friend about bouncing around from idea to idea and not following through with her numerous, brilliant ideas. Upon reflection, I realized that she is a mirror of my own dalliances. I recognized my self in her behaviors, therefore, my comments were projections. The curious thing about projections is that they are like sending my own unwanted behaviors to the trash bin, deleting an unwanted email, and then pretending that it no longer exists. The problem is that the trash bin never gets emptied. The trash just resurfaces as a new email from my unrestrained ego. Does any of this revelation resonate for you?
Years ago, during my training as a counselor and later as a coach, unconditional positive regard was highlighted as a way to interact with others in a meaningful way. Our own judgments were to be set aside in order not to impose our ideas onto the experiences and perspectives of others we were supposed to help. It was an ideal that was hard to realize given years of practice in having an opinion about anything and anyone. But, when we could walk the thin line of understanding what a person was thinking, expressing and feeling, without judgment, the results were almost magical. Giving up judgment is a challenge to the ego. It’s like placing a block on an email source. The ego produces an endless stream of junk.
Egos are afraid of not being perfect or better than others. Egos are fearful of not being loved or losing approval. But egos are not all bad — that would be an unwarranted judgment. We are aware that we exist as a body because of our ego; without it we could not begin to organize a reality, even though our reality is an illusion. Egos are a way to confirm that we are sentient beings, although we are more than what we think.
We cannot stop thinking thoughts, and why would we want to? But we can become aware that sometimes our thoughts lead to behaviors that are directed by the ego. Sometimes these thoughts are opinions based on old hurts, fears of the future, desires to be loved in competition with others. If we believe that love is a commodity, we believe that it is in limited supply. Therefore, if one person is loved, then another cannot be loved. Or, if one religion is right, then another is wrong. Perhaps, if one group of people are OK, then another group must be not OK. We then see the world as a series of contrasts like sun and shadow, then we scramble to be seen as living in the sun, while the “others” live in the shadows. This dichotomous thinking sets us up to judge.
The truly understanding heart knows that we are all loved at the core of our being. We are the sun and the moon, the light and the absence of it. We can no longer separate people into those who deserve our love and those who do not.
We are all spiritual beings. Separation is an illusion. When we judge others we are trying desperately to rid ourselves of what disappoints us about ourselves, but what we do for others we also do for ourselves. We can be aware of our self-judgments and commit to the judgment challenge: For at least one day, have no opinion about any other person. Then, finally that trash bin will begin to empty.
nine principles for joy 
Judgement is what humans do. Fortunately, it does not determine outcomes, but can, if allowed, make a significantly positive impact when used as “food for thought.”
“Giving up judgment is a challenge to the ego. It’s like placing a block on an email source. The ego produces an endless stream of junk.”
This quote reminds me of the government shutdown. It’s difficult not to be in our heads about this as we watch and listen to talking heads of the media (print, televised, and radio). It’s difficult to see the love for country, its citizenry, and others fulfilling what we believe is their essential purpose. It’s a terrorist war of egos; greed, (the government shut-down doesn’t affect the decision-makers pocket-book), selfishness (how to get my way), and vengeance (setting traps for others to fail). There are many themes and plots that the ego can conceive, perceive and interact to consume or swell itself. So I hit the delete button to ameliorate my concern that two of my 3 sources of income are government funded. Will they arrive in my bank account before the month is over? (And I have a trip planned to fly and visit my mother who turned 88 years old last week,) However, the junk mail is accumulating. We’ve been told as contractors to come to work regardless of the shutdown. Yes, thoughts are rampant and yet I find that if I allow my ego to be the precedent as droning thoughts of concern of who’s right and who’s wrong or who I feel compassion for or not, it gives credence to an illusionary world, separateness. It’s like blasphemy of the abundance in the universe, So I use my thoughts and emotions to send me into the silence of my mind, investing several hours a day to silence which decreases my stress/anxiety level and increases my focus on attracting opportunities and expanded resources to sustain my living and ways to be of service to life. I chose to recognize a power and presence that stands taller than the selfish ego-driven dramas on the stage of life. I find that when I emerge from the silence I begin to look for the characteristics of greed, vengeance, and selfishness in my life story. The silence reframes my thinking and focus.
I really enjoyed the judgment story. So many times we see in others what is dominant in ourselves. I’m reminded of a saying my mom use to say, you can’t get the splinter out of someone else’s eye until you take the log out of your own.
I’ve consumed a little more wine since my first comment, but I think I can ‘behave.’ haha
This entry really hits close to home. An important relationship that ended over a year ago was nearly identical to your above posting. She and I would take a few days to process after an argument. I’d finally realize “how can I be angry – when after all, I’ve displayed the same behavior?” I was pleased to approach her with this new knowledge, but saddened to be approached with the “I see this in you, but do not see this in myself.” It was still a ‘win/win’ for me because I learned some things about myself and became a ‘improved version of myself.’ I still think of that former girlfriend from time to time, but when one party sees themselves as perfect while the other digs deeper into introspection, the outcome will not create a mutual path for individual / relationship growth. Great post!
Thank you for your kind words.