A stirring inner debate about life or death is the subject of a famous monologue in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. The question ( I paraphrase) is whether it’s better in the mind to bear the challenges of life or decide to escape those challenges by dying to them. Every day we have a choice to be or not to be, not in the way that Hamlet agonized over his life, but in our choice to be who we really are, or to try to be an image of who we think we should be. We are love expressed moment by moment in the world. The “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” are illusions, ” a sea of troubles” that will wash away in time. Hamlet painstakingly lists all those illusions that cause us to suffer (again I paraphrase): oppression, pride, unrequited love, corruption, unmerited credit, unsatisfying work, and delays of the legal  system. All of these “slings and arrows” are invitations to believe that life is a threat instead of the opportunity to be fully alive in the present moment with Spirit. Our being-ness is not a question to be debated. We are spiritual beings expressing love in a conditional universe. We are not human doings, but human beings. Choose to be peacefully present in the Now.

The etymological meaning of the word “suffering” is to “bear under,” like a burden. Our attachment to suffering creates a burdensome tension in our lives. It’s an idea, suffering, that gets reinforced in the society’s attraction to what’s not working, and as we identify with conditions in our experience. We believe that we are alone and unsafe, exposed to the negative conditions of life, and that we need protection. Suffering is a contradictory and frustrating attempt to feel better, to feel connected. What we seek is the lifting of the burden.
Some of us blame ourselves for those conditions, or more often we blame others. We blame ourselves for what we call mistakes or omissions, but we blame others to release ourselves from responsibility for something that is uncomfortable in our lives. We see others as the source of our burdens.
We think we deserve a life without challenging events or conditions. When we resist the opportunity to experience our pain, we lose the opportunity to be grateful for our lives! Yes, grateful for who we are – sentient beings who express love even in the face of pain. Our burdens can easily be lifted when we let go of false beliefs about our worthiness. When we suffer, we allow our thoughts to control our life experience.
Suffering is a mind trick that keeps us wary of living. It robs us of the opportunity to live fully, to live mindfully in the present moment. We can let go of the illusion of separation from others that fuels our sense of being alone and vulnerable. Others are mere reflections in the mirror – stunning reminders of an interdependent, holographic universe. We are never alone. We are always in the presence of Spirit, because there is no place where Spirit does not exist.

Charlotte Joko Beck wrote a provocative essay about relationships entitled, “Relationships Don’t Work.” This is not good news for all of us seeking, building, and appreciating relationships. If we peel away the top layer of that pronouncement from Beck, we begin to understand that relationships are almost always heavily-laden with expectations. We relate to people because we want something from them. We have expectations that somehow we will know happiness if we have a “successful” relationship. But there’s no way that seeing people as separate from us can result in a satisfying relationship. Our expectations get in the way. What we regard as relationships become negotiated partnerships for something. Some people think relationships require work- working to be happy and loved. There is no work to do. Being in a relationship means recognizing what Rumi so artfully states, ” Lovers don’t find one another, they are in each other all along.” When we are kind in our relationship with ourselves, our kindness in the world has no expectations. When we love, there are no expectations of a reward or a fulfillment of some need. We simply love because that’s who we are! Spirit is alive in us, asking for nothing, except an opportunity to express love in the present moment. We can be that love: wanting nothing, experiencing the oneness of life, seeking nothing, being whole in the present breath of life. Only then will we be the love we came to this life to experience.

The great spiritual teacher Mooji reminds us that all things come and go, even emotions. But some feelings open the door to forever, like the ones that transcend time and space and linger in your heart, not as a painful experience, but as an assurance that some things endure. When my daughter passed away on March 3, 2014, I realized a new meaning of forever. Love is forever, without time to box it in and make it transient. Pain fades. Memories even dim, but love is forever, because Spirit is forever.

If we explored the roots of the word, “conspiracy,” we would find that Old French and Latin roots define ‘conspiracy’ as literally ‘breathing together.’ But the word has taken on a newer connotation of gathering to plot some negative action. I prefer the original meaning because of the richness in the idea of breathing together, especially as a conspiracy of love.
Breathing is so automatically a part of living that we often take it for granted — until we have difficulty breathing, sometimes brought on by ill health or challenging conditions in life. But, breathing is essential to living and the source of our being. To paraphrase a poem by Rumi, only breath is our being. Although I have been breathing, literally all my life, breathing together has a special meaning for me.
A few months ago, I organized a twice monthly group meditation at my home. A small group of women meet at my home for silent, sitting meditation and discussion. We also share a meal and discuss whatever has meaning in our lives. We conspire, breathe together, and in the stillness know the power of Spirit as we experience who we are.
What I have noticed is that we breathe together, but at different paces. Our breaths, inhaling Spirit and exhaling Spirit, touch our hearts in different places, and play with our senses in different ways, yet our unique experiences are shared at a spiritual level. When we describe our experiences after meditation, so often they are ineffable yet understood; individual, yet collective; and sometimes puzzling yet joyful. There is no striving for perfection, but relaxing into the present moment. With our causeless inward smiles we taste the love and peace of Spirit.
Breathing is a natural process of inviting in and letting go. It is a model of the comings and goings of our life experiences. If we hold our breath deliberately for too long, it can be life threatening. We know at an unconscious level that we must let go of breath in order to continue breathing. So it is with the process of joyful living. We must let go of many fruitless ideas and old hurts that threaten our well-being, so that we can enjoy the full breath of our lives.
If we breathe deeply, we can be in the present moment, as our breath opens a space for us to be still. In the stillness, we realize that we are not alone. We are always breathing together. As C. Joybell reminds us, “I am never alone wherever I am. The air itself supplies me with a century of love.”
When we breathe together there is always enough air for all of us. When we share the breath of life with others, we trust ourselves and others; we listen deeply; our weariness transforms and we are energized. Breathing together is the essence of joy and love. And, as Osho once said, “the moment love arises in the heart, all fear disappears, light has come, and no darkness is found.” Let us conspire to breathe together in love and joy not only with family and friends, but with all spiritual beings. I am convinced that conspiratorial breathing is being fully alive in the present moment with Spirit.

We are entering a time of year in the US when excess is not only permitted but encouraged. We eat excessively to remind us that we are not hungry. We offer food to others because we realize that some people are hungry, or “food insecure,” as we euphemistically call it. If we are still for a moment, we wonder about the abundance of the universe and why some experience abundance and some don’t. But when one of us hurts, like unaware hyper-empathic beings, we all hurt. Sometimes the pain is so deep that we anesthetize ourselves with food, and other tangible salves. Giving, sometimes to excess, is the hopeful relief from suffering– the sustained, negative response to pain. The limitations of feeling separate from others sets us up to believe the false ideas that we are better, or different, or less than others. We are all one spirit, with no separation. When we give to others, we are saving ourselves. Until we can experience the joy in our lives, we will do more than is necessary to find it.

Our attachments to objects and conditions in the world can sometimes weigh us down with doubt and fear and seemingly endless struggle. But is all that angst really necessary? Actually, our attachments cloud our awareness of the present moment, and thrust us with trepidation into the future or the past. Once we have traveled to those unstable places – the past and the future- our imaginative minds mingle with familiar emotions to brew a quirky concoction of blame, shame and unworthiness.  We forget that we are the promise of the universe. We are an expression of Spirit. We struggle to extract ourselves from the injurious brew, forgetting what Mooji has said, ” Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.”  Instead, we hang onto those momentary “highs” from consumption, assumptions, and addictions. We crave attention, approval and affection from others, and even when we receive the desired responses, we question the sources and hold onto the notion that we are unworthy anyway. But the premise for our cravings is constructed by a flawed sense of self. We believe that something we did or said or believed set us up for pain. We believe that we are damaged or broken, instead of the whole, capable, beautiful spirits that we are.  We are perfect spiritual beings. Full stop. We are good to the core, with limitless potential, lacking nothing but belief in ourselves as who we really are.

A necessary life is more than one with satisfied desires. A necessary life is lived in the present moment, without the need for purpose, or approval or even happiness. When life is necessary, we let go of fear and embrace love. We let go of opinions about others, and love them completely. When our experience of life is necessary, forgiveness is a moot point, we know that we are loved, worthiness is irrelevant, and joy is abundant. There is an understated elegance in universal abundance. Spirit’s all-encompassing presence is understated in its peacefulness and joyfulness, but it is both essential and necessary.

I used to teach a communication cycle that was very simple – speaking, checking, listening. The goal was to encourage managers to check with the other person about what they heard and then listen to the response. Reflecting an understanding of the other person’s words and sometimes feelings, particularly during stressful interactions was the “communication” strategy. But if we choose to see others as a part of ourselves, as spiritual beings, having a “strategy” is not enough. We must begin to question our motives in interaction: Is it true? Could our words stand up to scrutiny with a wider audience. What assumptions stand behind our words? Who are we in the words we speak? And, what is truth?
I believe that we are spiritual beings, and that our “truth” is often based on illusions, fostered by entrenched beliefs. Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit who collected what I call “teaching stories,” tells a powerful story about Truth. I will paraphrase the story: A man operates a Truth Shop, where he sells the truth. A wealthy man enters the shop and is willing to pay whatever it takes to get the truth. The shop owner warns the buyer that the price is extreme. The buyer insists on knowing the price. The shop owner, reluctantly states that the price of truth is to give up your cherished beliefs!
A belief is a fence. Those within the fence think they are protected by their beliefs. They imagine that all who exist outside the fence are in danger, but they will offer protection to them only if they know the password, and obey the rules within the fence. Part of the illusion is that there is such a fence, and that there are others who are in danger. No amount of “evidence” to the contrary will convince those inside the fence that their views are limited by the fence. Those within the fence don’t realize others have built fences as well, as they guard their beliefs as a way to be saved from destruction. Those within the fences can easily come to believe that because of being inside their fence they will not pass through “death’s door.” It is the fear of death that encourages us to cling to our beliefs, to believe in the illusion that we are separate from one another, and to kill and maim and defame in the name of those illusions.
We are all waves in the sea of Spirit. We have no need to fear death because we are always the sea, and it will continue to lash boldly against the shores of life. There are no true fences but only open waters. When we give up the belief that eternal life must be bargained for, we will begin to live truthfully in this life. We will be the wave that we are, confidently appearing in our frothy beauty, without envy or hatred or enmity for other waves. And when we have joyfully graced this life with our inerrant beauty, the majestic ocean will welcome our re-entry with open arms. There is no entry requirement just as there was none as the wave appeared for a time, for its own joy.

When we are trapped in the illusion of separateness — the belief that we are separate from all others in the universe, and that we exist as an individual, separate self –we are free to engage in judgments of others. If we embrace our existence as mirrors of one another, we are hard pressed to find faults in others that are not our own.  I recently confronted a friend about bouncing around from idea to idea and not following through with her numerous, brilliant ideas. Upon reflection, I realized that she is a mirror of my own dalliances. I recognized my self in her behaviors, therefore, my comments were projections. The curious thing about projections is that they are like sending my own unwanted behaviors to the trash bin, deleting an unwanted email, and then pretending that it no longer exists. The problem is that the trash bin never gets emptied. The trash just resurfaces as a new email from my unrestrained ego. Does any of this revelation resonate for you?

Years ago, during my training as a counselor and later as a coach, unconditional positive regard was highlighted as a way to interact with others in a meaningful way. Our own judgments were to be set aside in order not to impose our ideas onto the experiences and perspectives of others we were supposed to help. It was an ideal that was hard to realize given years of practice in having an opinion about anything and anyone. But, when we could walk the thin line of understanding what a person was thinking, expressing and feeling, without judgment, the results were almost magical. Giving up judgment is a challenge to the ego. It’s like placing a block on an email source. The ego produces an endless stream of junk.

Egos are afraid of not being perfect or better than others. Egos are fearful of not being loved or losing approval. But egos are not all bad — that would be an unwarranted judgment. We are aware that we exist as a body because of our ego; without it we could not begin to organize a reality, even though our reality is an illusion. Egos are a way to confirm that we are sentient beings, although we are more than what we think.

We cannot stop thinking thoughts, and why would we want to? But we can become aware that sometimes our thoughts lead to behaviors that are directed by the ego. Sometimes these thoughts are opinions based on old hurts, fears of the future, desires to be loved in competition with others. If we believe that love is a commodity, we believe that it is in limited supply. Therefore, if one person is loved, then another cannot be loved. Or, if one religion is right, then another is wrong. Perhaps, if one group of people are OK, then another group must be not OK. We then see the world as a series of contrasts like sun and shadow, then we scramble to be seen as living in the sun, while the “others” live in the shadows. This dichotomous thinking sets us up to judge.

The truly understanding heart knows that we are all loved at the core of our being. We are the sun and the moon, the light and the absence of it. We can no longer separate people into those who deserve our love and those who do not.

We are all spiritual beings. Separation is an illusion. When we judge others we are trying desperately to rid ourselves of what disappoints us about ourselves, but what we do for others we also do for ourselves. We can be aware of our self-judgments and commit to the judgment challenge: For at least one day, have no opinion about any other person. Then, finally that trash bin will begin to empty.

A quote from the brilliant Rainer Maria Rilke clings to the side of my refrigerator, reminding me that we are all living in process. Rilke writes, “I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.” I have unresolved questions. What is a good life? I know it has nothing to do with achievements. Certificates, degrees and awards are bread for the ego, but they don’t keep anyone warm at night. I am certain that it’s not the accumulation of possessions, because  those objects say more about you than they can say to you. And…there’s another question: What does it mean to be loved? Rilke says, …”don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.” I know that being loved is a desire I have. I also know that it’s not the same as being respected, or admired, or seen as competent or well-educated. Or, is it? I know that love is something shining and beautiful in me…and in others. Sharing it is another matter. If we show love in our deeds– our caring, interest, concern for others, it does warm us unlike feeding selfish desires. The questions can be both haunting and inspiring. Rilke answers my questions: ” …and the point is, to live everything, live the questions now…perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” I am therefore advised to live mindfully, to enjoy the ordinary questions in an extraordinary way, because “now” is my only opportunity to actually experience the heart of the questions.